Ima Make It Hot Like Fire

Thursday, April 20, 2006
Sang Real

I am reading a famous book right now, a book wrought with controversy and theories of conspiracies. It is called "The Da Vinci Code." I am more than half way through the book but not quite done. The thing is that the more I read, the more I wonder what the fate of the world would had been like had all the stuff the author, Dan Brown, had said was true. Would it have been so bad if the early Catholic Church had recognized Mary Magadalene as the "Sacred Feminine"? If there really is a bloodline directly descendent of God and Jesus Christ, wouldn't the Church have been better served had they welcomed the line into the Church, thus being able to draw on the original power of Christ. Imagine, also, that there is a chance that accept for the occasional "Peter" (an alleged sexist in the book that was jealous of Mary Magadelene), perhaps we would never have had any world wars. Perhaps, instead of everyone constantly volleying for power, we all would have trully been united and thus escaped some of the horrors that exist in the world today like children in Africa with AIDS who are dying every day because they have no one to take care of them. Or women being kidnapped from their families and sold into slave labor and prostitution. Or what about men who think that only way to prove that they are men is to beat women. Maybe, if Eve had not been painted as the enemy then women would not have become as devalued as they are all across the world, as they are in countries that practice female circumcision. And perhaps, yound boys trying to pretend that are men would not be trying to hover over me trying to find out what I am writing. Maybe, had things been done a little differently, boys today would have learned how to grow up and be men, instead of boys forever playing cops and robbers, volleying for positions of power. Which is all it's really about any more, power, right? I mean, if things that the book claims are even partially true, that means that even the human need to be the top dog is nothing more then a left-over reprecussion from the days that the Roman Catholic Church tried to become the end all and be all of religion. What if people were trully free? Not bound by anything an innate human ideal that meant protecting yourself and respecting your fellow man? What if this is the reason that God allowed Jesus to die on the cross. Maybe He knew that our sins did not trully lie in the flesh, but in the spirit, the soul, and that all the physical torture Christ endured was nothing more than a symbol for the spiritual torture man was about to endure at the hands of our ignorance. Perhaps the quest to find yourself and comfort in the Lord is really a quest to find a the truth that we instinctively know does not lie in the teachings of a document written by men, but in the spirituality that was first discovered so long ago.

Posted at 3:15 pm by Baby Doll
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Friday, April 14, 2006

My question is this: How can someone be an individual and yet allow their identity to be wrapped up in someone or something else? Maybe it is not a question of being an individual but a matter of knowing who it is you want to be. If you want to be someone then be that person. Don't wait for someone to tell you who you should be, make the decision yourself. Maybe, in the case of being an individual, it is not the ends that matters but the means. Who you are at the end of life is the person you chose to be based on your choices. And it is not until the end that you will finally know who are because that is when you will finally make the connection between every new experience, each new person that you meet, that has lead you to be the person you are in those last few moments. I think that until that moment we will wander amoungst ourselves constantly seeking some answers about who we should be until the moment that we die and we can be assured that we made the choices in our lives, that we controlled our own powers of persuaion and used them on ourselves. Or maybe the idea of being an individual is out-dated. Maybe with the way the world is constantly changing and the way everyone seems to be imitating the lives of celebrities, the only thing we can hope for is a sense of comfort when we come face to face with the idea that we have no identity at all. In fact, we have become the very thing we wanted not to be; sheep.

Posted at 4:14 pm by Baby Doll
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006
I Am Now Drowning In The Rain

So I have decided not to talk to Chris face to face anymore in the hopes that if he is "out of sight" he will be "out of mind." So far I have only emailed him, written him memos, and called him on his classroom phone. I am staunchly trying to avoid having to deliver any sort of messages or see him on campus. I think it might work. I hope it will work. The only time we should really see eachother is when we are doing events for the trip. However, seeing as how he is getting a few stipends right now, I don't think he will be doing many of the events since he does not need the money. And then once the church in Long Beach is done, well, we'll be done as well because I will no longer need to go to his church in West L.A. (I'll tell you, though, as much as I hate public transportation I will miss those quiet Sunday morning rides. This could work...

Currently listening to:
Hold On
By Name Taken

Posted at 12:59 pm by Baby Doll
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Friday, March 31, 2006
I Bless The Rains Down in Africa

I have been emailing the Revernd who is organizing the trip to Africa and he has been very kind about all of it. Those of you who know me, know that I can get a bit compulsive about money and stuff and as the Revernd is finding out, that is not such a picnic. The bad part about all of this is not that the Reverend is getting to see the ugly side of me, the bad part is that he is seeing the ugly side of the girl who likes his son, whom she happens to work with. I am sure they talk about these kinds of things and the Revernd has encouraged me to talk to Chris about my money issues but how do you tell the guy you like, the guy who told you that he is not ready for a relationship, that money is so tight that you feel like you are choking? It is one thing to talk to his father, who is a Reverend, but to talk to him, face to face or over the phone, or in an even more impersonal way, through email? What the Hell am I supposed to say? I still like this man, I still want to be with him, and in a few short months, we will be in Africa together. What the hell am I supposed to say? "Hey, I know that you are uncomfortable being around me but do you think we could talk so I can cry to you about all my money problems?" "Hey, can you help me pay for Africa even though you only want to be involved with me at work?" Not to mention the fact that I am totally jealous of this sub at our school who gets to see him everyday and talk to him everyday and who I think is going to end up going out with him. What the hell am I supposed to say? Of course I still cling to the hope that he will change his mind and decided to go out with me but at the same time I have to be realistic. I mean, I am a slightly over-weight Boricua whose hair is so unmanageable that I have to have it relaxed about every two months just so I can put it in a ponytail, and I have extravagnt dreams and goals that often reach beyond my means and make me crazy...and yet I do them anyway! How the hell do you say something like this to someone? What am I supposed to say? No, no, thank you. I think the guy has had enough of me as it is. I think I will limit our talks to things about what the trip will be like and how the weather is and work. No personal stuff or I may as well give up all hope of ever even being able to talk to him again, let alone be in a relationship with him. What the hell????

Posted at 10:24 am by Baby Doll
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Tuesday, March 07, 2006
What Is Love?

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty. He said, "No."

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever. He said, "No."

She then asked him if she were to leave if he would cry and he once again replied "No."

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face, the boy grabbed her and said...

"You're not prett, you're beautiful."

"I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever."

"And I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."

Posted at 6:15 pm by Baby Doll
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